Making the first step back into the gym after falling off the routine is hard. The mindset of getting it back, being all-in and being “where I was” again was my first hurdle to get over. As it turns out I just had to get up, get out and make the first visit.
Life Happens
I was on a pretty regular routine of working out daily – religiously for nearly a decade. It wasn’t so much about all-out body building but rather staying fit, feeling healthy and looking it. It’s physical yes but spiritual and mental well being has always been my biggest payoff. It still is.
Over time though, increased commitments in work and personal life combined with changes in schedule has made it harder and harder to carve out that hour every day. With daily to-do lists longer than the days, something always has to be thrown off the plane to keep it aloft.
My biting frustration is that it’s almost always the gym that gets tossed. With work changes it started with having to move it to a before work time slot that required getting up much earlier than I like. Then it’s dark and cold in the morning. Ugh. After work doesn’t always fly because I’m wiped out and just need to sit down and have a good dinner.
Then there are all the myriad service and social occasions that have creeped into my calendar that have me booked almost every night and weekend day. Over time my clockwork discipline to hit the stacks when it requires that I have to push something else off has almost completely disappeared.
Guilt, Shame, Jealousy, Resentment
As the daily routine slowly evolved into an occasional visit to a distant far away memory of something beautiful I don’t get to do anymore, the feelings and emotions around it haven’t been good. A full year has passed by with maybe one or two visits to the gym and it takes me down negative emotional paths.
There are strong feelings of guilt that I let my hard won fit and toned physique soften. There’s shame around not putting enough priority on it and allowing myself to let life get in the way. Then I sometimes experience pangs of jealousy of everyone else around me who somehow still “get to go”.
I miss how I felt. I miss how I looked. I miss the rewarding self care me time. It’s a valuable therapy and time of meditation I feel like everyone else is winning and I have lost. Fuck all of you! Must be nice assholes.
Defeating Voices
The biggest impediment for me getting back into it isn’t so much finding that hour on any given day. It exists whether I want to admit it or not. For me it’s getting past the biting off more than I can chew mindset that I have to go from zero to one hundred right away.
“I have to get back to my old routine, every day,” or “I have to get back to my previous weight lift levels right away”. Then I look at how much time and effort that doing that whole project requires and before long, it’s a foregone conclusion that it’s just an impossible feat I might as well give up on. Fuck it.
“Just live with the idea you are getting older and let go of it.” It continues, “You have a job to get to, another board meeting, the upcoming trip, that social occasion, and the planning committee.” On and on I hear this stuff loud and clear every time I visualize getting back on my previous grand routine.
It’s About The First Visit
Instead of getting back onto where I was with the full boat program I had to simply start with a first visit. My expectations and goals had to be reset in that just doing it is the win. On a day off, I got up off my chair, rode my bike over to the gym and walked in the door.
On the first visit back I took it easy – not too many routines, not too much weight. In fact after a year away I can only comfortably hit about 60% of my previous weight lifts. It’s a let down but I resolved to be OK with it going in. Trying to live up to my old weight lifts right away could not only cause injury but create defeatist disappointment around my preconceived and unrealistic expectations.
I knew I would be sore the next day even with the lower weights and I was. The point was to make the action happen. My immediate payoff was positive both mental and spiritual. I felt happy I finally did it. I felt like I finally rewarded myself with something good.
It was also nice to see all the beautiful men there which always motivates me to come back again. Resolving to make the time, get up off my chair and walk in the door the next day was so much easier remembering how I would feel after. And that’s the deal. Rinse and repeat.
Taking It Slow
Will I go tomorrow? The day after that? Every Day? I don’t know. My goal as I write this is to prioritize at least three or four days a week to start. I have already made two of them for this week. One more in a week should be easy enough even on a work night maybe if I can.
I have to coach myself on the notion that something is better than nothing. Even a few days a week will take me further down the road than no exercise at all. The good news is that adding priority and bandwidth to it once the results start to be felt and seen becomes easier.
Past experience is that I succeed better when I begin with a sense of acceptance that my performance isn’t going to be rock star right away. I have come to acceptance that at a goal of three days a week it may never be what it was when I hit it every day in beast mode. That’s OK.
Getting to that point however starts with the first visit.
Smoker of fine tires, eater of natural foods, connoisseur of aromatic leathers, pusher of limits.