At age 55 I still struggle to maintain that perfect weight, to find enough time in the day for whatever and to manage that list. On some days I notice in the little corners of my being that I am slowly losing the sharp edge of my youth. I always feel like I have a shit ton of unfinished business in this life – and I do.
I recently joined AARP because I felt like it was a thing I should do even though I could have joined long ago. I guess I’ll be reading their magazine “for the articles”. I’m old enough to own a home in most “active adult” communities, though I’m not sure I’m interested. Not yet anyway.
The thing is just having spent time this morning looking over a lot of photos of myself over the past decade, I’ve come to the conclusion that today I look healthier and happier than I ever have. This is because I am. I eat mostly healthy, I spend time nurturing my spiritual health, and I make as much time as I can to be present for my loved ones. It’s also because I’m slowly coming around to acceptance of what I am, where I am, and the path I’m walking.
Is it perfect? No. Reread the first paragraph above. Perhaps getting older and more mature aids in the ability to just shrug off the importance of fretting over much of it (though I still often do). The fact is that I have slowly come to find more peace and settled calm in just being OK with life’s major questions on most days and simply doing what’s in front of me the best I can.
There is a prayer I say often that goes much like, well it’s just flat out “The Serenity Prayer”. It goes, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.
It has different meanings for different people. Relative to my days I tend to use it like a flowchart for my thinking and decision making on how I approach and feel about things. Can I change it? No. Accept it for now. Yes? What can I do to change it? Is this a long term plan or a short term fix? Take action.
Am I not sure if I can change it? Then there are two options generally. I can let it sit for now come back to it later or maybe study the fuck out of it and obsess. Sometimes when left to percolate on the shelf a matter takes care of itself. Other times the solution materializes later and it can be dealt with. No matter, the thought process at least gives me options.
I should get to a point since you’re taking the time to read and hear me out.
In the middle of all the imperfections and worry, the unfinished business, the spiritual rock sorting and doubt about where I might be headed – I have it pretty good. I have a husband who loves me and looks out for me, a family of people around me who love and support me. I live in a safe place that’s comfortable and clean. I have a purpose or two in life to rise to on most days.
They tell me not to worry, that’s it’s all going to be OK. They tell me I’m beautiful just the way I am. They tell me I do a good job at whatever it is. They are mostly happy to see me when I arrive.
I mostly believe them. At the end of the day I have to because to think they are all wrong would mean I’ve surrounded myself with half blind and delusional people who are all crazy cohorts in the big con game conspiracy to make me happy with my life. That just doesn’t make sense. Sooo…..perhaps they are onto something.
It leads me to the conclusion that perhaps I ought be happy with where I’m at today, accept my imperfections and live in gratitude for what is good in my life right in front of me this minute and right here. I should use my time and energy as that wisdom I asked for a few paragraphs back leads me to today and be good with it tonight when I lay my head on the pillow.
Now, should I go for that calorie burning bike ride before it gets too hot or have another cup of coffee and think about it some more?
Smoker of fine tires, eater of natural foods, connoisseur of aromatic leathers, pusher of limits.